Ruin

I want to paint a picture of my childhood but from the moment the brush touches the canvas, my hand becomes unsteady. The rich palette I draw color from didn’t keep the canvas from becoming bleak, but I fear that it’s because the well from which I draw upon for my inspiration is a dark one.

I remember a white town home with blue shutters on the corner of our little street. But when I think of the inside, I can still see furniture displaced with ripped clothing scattered on the floor. There is an emptiness that you could feel and it was accompanied by a nauseating smell of cheap beer.

There’s a lack of laughter and love that has left a lasting impression of the life I’ve led thus far. So I must be jaded because every color combination I’ve thought of to paint what I remember comes out as a fucking shade of grey.

I want to paint a picture of my childhood but all I see is ruin.

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Anxiety

One minute you’re fine

Then I grip ahold of you with no warning

Suddenly you can’t think straight

My shadow towers over you

Your breathing grows shallow

And I hold onto you long after

Just to watch you squirm

You can’t see me but I can see you

I’m always there, just off in the shadows

What am I?

Some Nights, Some Days

Some nights I can’t sleep

I sit up all night binge watching the things you’ve done over and over in my mind

Some days I can’t focus

It’s a tall task to remember everything I need to accomplish today when the words you’ve said echo in my head

Some nights I’m in pain

Yet no one can see the wounds even if I took their hand and placed it where it hurts

Some days I can’t cope

But chances are that you could never tell

Blog/Life Update

Hello!

It’s been quite a while since I’ve done one of these. In fact, the last time I did one of these, none of it came to fruition, but let’s not start off negatively! I’m grateful that I’ve had the time to live a little more and have my experiences shape me. You better believe that present-me is better than past-me.

So. What is new?

Top three are the following: new job, I’m getting married, and I’m in therapy. That’s right, all screws which were once loose are now being screwed in just a little.

I commissioned two logos a few months ago. I’ve also gotten pretty heavily into a few writing projects, including my elusive short films, which I’ve been dreaming up for a number of years. Four of these short films have working scripts and will be filmed this year. On a poetic note, I’ve dabbled in writing long form, spoken word inspired, poetry. Although, the chances of me actually performing said poems are anyone’s guess.

I’m growing as a writer and I’m learning how to let things flow naturally. That is something I’ve struggled with quite a bit.

Now for some blog related news. I have sparingly posted rants here. Social issues, personal issues, and project updates have all popped up. While I do see project announcements having a place here, I no longer feel that way about the others. I’ve decided to create two new blogs. One to voice my social/life views and the other as more of a life experiences blog. Those will be linked as soon as I get them started and made pretty. Currently, all I have are the domains picked out.

In the end, this is a place for poetry and I intend to keep it more focused on that.

Thanks for reading!

Contact: innerpane@gmail.com

A Messy Mind

My mind is a middle school hallway on he final day of school at the sound of the final bell. A stampede of kids all heading different directions and they are all talking at the same time.

It’s deafening.

I can’t distinguish one voice from the other without being in that inner circle, but even then you’re listening to more than one at a time. I focus on one voice but the others just push their own into the spotlight.

It’s maddening.

Oh, how I relish the few days where it’s the first day of summer. My footsteps echo off the walls and I can finally hear the sound of my own breathing. The hallways are littered, but empty. Everyone’s gone home for the summer.

I know the silence won’t last forever.